Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
