and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
