I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
