Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
