It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
