I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
