i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
