I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
