I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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