just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
