So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
