Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
