God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
