paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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