i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
