just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
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