I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
