My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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