His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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