I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
