at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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