Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
