my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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