i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
