she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
