just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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