I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
