I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
