I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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