it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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