The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
