I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
