I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
