Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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