I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
