She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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