I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
