Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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