I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
