I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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