New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
