i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I forget how to act sober
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