Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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