just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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