I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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