just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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