Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
