just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
