I'm laying in your front yard are you home
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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