I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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