Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
