just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
