So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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