yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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