I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
